Category Archives: Magazines

BearMythology Version 5.0

Here I go again.

Last time I posted was on April of 2018. It’s getting close to April 2021, so it’s been three years since I was here. During that time, I would randomly post on tumblr. Continue reading BearMythology Version 5.0

Casey Hampton: HOLY *Insert Blubbering Sounds* MOLEY!

Dear ESPN Magazine: OMG.  Thank you!

I was pretty harsh on ESPN Magazine’s 2010’s “The Body Issue” when Steven Holcomb’s godly physique was digitally altered.  However, thanks to GE, he pinpointed me to ESPN Magazine’s “The Body Issue 2009: Battle Scars” which featured a close-up of Casey Hampton’s magnificent belly.  Needless to say, seeing an almost-nude image of Mr. Hampton is an excellent way to win someone like me over — even though this was shot a year before the Holcomb-Gate fiasco.  ^___^

Here is the link to the Flash Gallery of “The Body Issue 2009: Battle Scars”:

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/flash/zoomGallery?section=gen&photoGalleryId=4539757

I can’t seem to embed this ESPN video, but you can briefly see him in an interview with all of the athletes — including Randy Couture — involved in that photo shoot.

http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=4536463

Unfortunately, the Pittsburgh Steelers did not win the SuperBowl this year, so we’re gonna miss out on seeing a shirtless Casey Hampton at a SuperBowl Parade…  🙁

Shirtless Saturday: Sedrick Ellis (Life Magazine’s Portrait Session)

Once upon a time, when this blogger used to actually blog on a regular basis, he had put up a “Shirtless Saturday” post about a massive lineman for the New Orleans Saints, Sedrick Ellis.  After a year and a few months later, he found out that LIFE Magazine did a photo shoot of him (unfortunately, their search engine is not too friendly; and a way to get to just 1 of his photo shoot is by going to this url).  And I am begging all of the photo sleuths out there who could direct us to his Portrait Session as it would be greatly appreciated.

Anyway, let us now have the photos do the talking, for I am downright speechless…

He’s not shirtless in this video, but you can just see the majestic wonder of his ungodly physique as his massive bulk attempts to escape the confines of his tight-fitting shirt…

Dear ESPN Magazine: Please Don’t Digitally Alter People’s Bodies In Your 2010’s “The Body Issue” Edition

A good friend of mine emailed me this photo and it’s quite possibly one of the most amazing things I’ve seen all year.  It’s a semi-nude photo of the Captain of the United States’ bobsledding team, Steven Holcomb.  I am not quite sure where this photo was originally taken from, but when I checked out my ESPN Magazine’s digital edition, I noticed a big “change” that did not sit too well for me…

I am just glad that someone released that original breathtaking photo.  Anyway, I just want to send a short email to ESPN Magazine right here…

Dear ESPN Magazine,

Why would you digitally manipulate someone’s physique in your yearly edition of “The Body Issue”?  Does not that defeat the very purpose of you displaying the naturalness of your athletes’ bodies?

Please do not do this again.  Thank you.

Sincerely,
Will
Secretary Of The League Of The Natural State Of Human Bodies Preservation

Okay, seriously, I’m not going to send that.  There are more pressing issues in the world than getting all riled up about someone’s beautiful belly getting brutally and ruthlessly butchered by way of photoshopping…  Okay, perhaps this is important to me.  😛

Anyway, here were some of my Tumblr contributions in the past about the handsome Steven Holcomb…  (And, no, I have not given up on on this blog.  Just please be patient with me.)

Shirtless Saturday: Larry Csonka

People Weekly Magazine Larry Csonka

Here’s a vintage image of Larry Csonka (official site) from the July 22, 1974 edition of People Magazine when he played as a fullback with the Miami Dolphins.  Make sure to download the whole magazine issue in PDF format (here’s the direct link)!  It’s pretty nice of People for allowing us to download all of their archived issues.   (And if anybody knows of any cool archived issues of People Magazine where we could find such beautiful bears, please let us know!)  I have yet to go through them as I’m sure there are awesome articles and ads of our brawny and large brethren…

Larry Csonka People Magazine

Larry Csonka People Magazine 2

Larry Csonka People Magazine 4

Larry Csonka

Finally, let’s check out Mr. Csonka adorably speak butchered Spanish as he promotes Miller Lite Bear…

The Hot Chubbies Of “Muscle & Fitness”

A longtime reader (as in since my old Yahoo Group days), sleepycub, emailed me then proceeded to give me a massive heart attack with this awesome scan from the September 9, 2009 issue of Muscle & Fitness magazine.

Muscle and Fitness chubs
Please, oh, please, disobey every single one of the 50 rules!

Who knew that Muscle & Fitness also has a discerning eye for gorgeous chubby bears?  What a beautiful collection of our big-bellied beauties.  And if there’s one thing I’d like to add…

Please don’t melt the flab from your abs!!!!! 😛

I mean, those guys appear to be comfortable with their bodies and they’re HOT to boot.  But, of course, losing weight is a personal choice and I’m just being a selfish person for wanting them to stay the way they are.  But, in my defense:

JUST.  LOOK.  AT.  THEM!  *faints*

Orlando Pace Moves In With Da Bears

When the Chicago Bears added Jay Cutler as their new quarterback, they also acquired an experienced burly bodyguard for him: Offensive Tackle Orlando Pace[from ESPN.com]

Orlando Pace The Sporting News

Here is Orlando Pace back when he was with the Saint Louis Rams…

Orlando Pace 101

Orlando Pace 102

[Related Posts – Orlando Pace]

Shirtless Saturday: Jeff Saturday

“Shirtless Saturday” on a Sunday?  Ah, but this is one of those major exception, because, as you’ll see, it doesn’t need to be a Saturday to post something like this…

Dear friends, one of my wishes has finally come true.  I have finally seen a shirtless Jeff Saturday.  It’s a scan from the Sports Illustrated Super Bowl Championship Commemorative Issue 2007.  My life is finally complete.

Much thanks to j for pointing this out to us in this post.  This magazine cost me 12 bucks plus shipping just so I can scan this for you guys.  🙂

Unfortunately, that’s like his only photo in the whole magazine.  Bummers.  I wonder if any of the Indianapolis Colts DVDs have more revealing exposé on Mr. Saturday?  As always, please let me know and I’ll share the bearish wealth…

Anyway, check out the bearmythology Flickr Photostream for more of my sad attempts at Photoshopping this lone shirtless photo of the woofy Jeff Saturday.  Also, woefully gaze at my epic failure with HDR experimentation.

[Related Posts – Jeff Saturday]

Ricky Gervais: Shirtless, Leather, And Rock & Roll Through And Through

Ricky Gervais shirtless for Observer Magazine 1

I have never seen the handsome and talented Ricky Gervais shirtless before so I instantly fell out of my chair when I saw these magazine scans.  Jiminy Cricket Almighty, ain’t he a delicious daddy?…  And isn’t he just perfick?  😛

Ricky Gervais shirtless for Observer Magazine 2

Goonday Moonday: Construction Workers & Assorted Large Men

dolorminworker

In this edition of Goonday Moonday, all of the media here are from ads of some kind (courtesy of AdsOfTheWorld.com).  I am still amazed to only find a handful of ads showing large men in flattering or the very least, respectful, ways.  For example, the above ad appears to be a very respectable commercial.  But look closely and pay attention to the product that’s being sold…  Caught it?  Good.  Yes, we have another hefty man being used as an “humorous advertising device” (I made this term up).

Am I bitter at this common practice?  Yes and no.  Yes, since as we are all admirers of large men, we have a better grasp and understanding for men of such beautiful sizes.  As such, we prefer to view our objects of affection in a much better light.  And, no, because, in some ways, we feel like we belong in such an exclusive group that the rest of the world won’t ever understand.  When we see such husky and chubby men in the media being ridiculed (whether it be inoffensively or no), we can’t help but grin as we know and feel something that is utterly and uniquely ours.  Laugh all they want, but we get the last laugh as we partake in a celebratory visual feast.

Still, that doesn’t mean that we cannot change the world’s view on large men…

Anyway, here’s a pretty cool commercial about construction workers enjoying some fine afternoon dining with a Wendy’s Gourmet Mushroom Swiss Burger…

http://adsoftheworld.net/videos/croquetwendys.mov

wendys-croquet-construction-01

wendys-croquet-construction-031

wendys-croquet-construction-06

wendys-croquet-construction-09

wendys-croquet-construction-12

wendys-croquet-construction-14

There’s really nothing “negative” about the above commercial.  However, it inadvertently juxtaposes “macho” men with “queer” behavior.  Basically, it sends a message that this ad is and should be funny because rugged men with facial hair should not be eloquent, polite, and, well, “queenie.”  In turn, it also inadvertently compares gay folk with theatre-going (note my spelling of “theater”) English folk.  -_^

From the rugged construction workers, we’ll now take a look at sumo wrestlers — who are, quite possibly, the most-used HAD (my acronym for my made-up term, “humorous advertising device”).

monstersumo

companhiasumo

w670-walkman-phone-sumo

luxaflex-sumo

So why are sumo men funny?  Why is their weight a great punchline for a joke?  And why are they funnier when they’re wearing a tutu or about to celebrate gay love?

With those questions in mind, here’s a Men’s Health magazine ad…

chubby-buddha-bear-mens-health

First of all, BearMythology completely disagrees with the above ad.  That unbelievably gorgeous image of a chubby bear not only has a body of a God, but someone I and many others will definitely worship.  You know that ancient & mystical Sanskrit word of “OHM”?  It was actually our female & gay bear/chub loving ancestors’ term to describe a buddha (not the slimmer Buddha, of course) when they see one walking on the streets.  They would actually say, “Oh Holy Moley!” or “OHM!” (thus it was recorded the very first instance of internet slang).

Now let’s take a look at ads that are just using silhouettes of large men.

radiantgymsleep

radiantgymtwicetheman

Admirers of stocky & large men are typically torn: healthwise, it’s better for such men to be “fit” rather than husky or obese.  Unfortunately, we love them big.  And, more often than not, to us, the bigger the better.

Well, that’s something that I cannot cover on a post that’s just called “Goonday Moonday.”  It’s too complicated.  😛

And to end this post, here are more ads of our beautiful big men…

gordillaz

better-than-beer-chubby-man

paddy-power-bingo

mokarabia-wrestler

matchbox-construction-bear

Okay, I lied.  This is the last thing I’m going to say.  I’m typically very open and forgiving, but I absolutely hate the following ad.  Any ad that equates depression to obesity then sell a gym out of it is downright low and insulting.  The chubby man needs to see mental help and not an aerobics instructor…

olympiaconfidence

Tim Schafer: Game Bear & Game God

Chubarama posted about Jack Black hosting the Spike TV’s 2008 Video Game Awards a few days ago and we were treated to such fantastic bear and chub goodness from Jack Black and fellow Tenacious D rocker, Kyle Gass.  What made the show for me though was the appearance of my personal Game God, Tim Schafer.

He appeared to promote his upcoming game, Brutal Legend.  The big bonus was that the voice of his game’s protagonist is none other than Jack Black!  JB might have done an overkill with pimping Tim “Fucking” Schafer, but I don’t mind.  He’s a superstar in my books as I’m an avid adventure gamer (read: point-and-click adventure games or Interactive Fiction) while he’s responsible for some of my favorite adventure games of all time, such as The Secret Of Monkey Island and Day Of The Tentacle.


(higher quality version)

PC Gamer magazine back in 2001 did an article called “Game Gods.”  Tim Schafer was in it and believe me, I bought two copies of the magazine so that I could have one as a collector’s item while the other one got torn so that I could scan them.  And here they be…  And JB’s right.  This is the one and only Tim “Fucking” Schafer…

gamegodtimschafer01

gamegods01

And if you were wondering who the handsome bearded chubby bear is on the right, then I am very glad that you were.  He is none other than Erik Yeo, lead designer of the original Command & Conquer.

erik-yeo-01

From One Husky Brett Romberg To Four Other Beefy Football Players

Thanks to Tommy and xibearix, not only did I find out the name of that unknown husky college football player (Brett Romberg), their research has led me to four other woofy football players.  Out of the four, I have already posted about Kasey Studdard

I tend to find connections in everything; I then tend to create meaning from such connections (yes, I subscribe to the school of Roland Barthes).  It’s a “hobby” of mine that I tend to do a lot.  Here’s a sampling of what happened in my bear-filled brain when I did my own research about these 5 football players…

I posted about Brett Romberg, but I did not know him; however, xibearix did and he led me to a full-blown photo that I once ripped apart from a dentist’s office.

From the SI Vault

Tommy then researched about my mistaken Texas Longhorns theory (about Brett Romberg’s university) which led him to another Brett: Brett Valdez.  Both are just spectacularly beefy.  Brett Romberg is now with the St. Louis Rams while Brett Valdez works for a company called RAM Financial Group.

Ram is a type of animal that gets hunted.  Brett Valdez has a passion for hunting and fishing and is the Director of Community Development for TexasHuntFish.com

Brett Valdez graduated from the University of Texas, along with two other woofy football players: Kasey Studdard and Justin Blalock.  Kasey and Justin were 2 of the 7 Texas Longhorns selected by pro-football teams from the 2007 NFL Draft.

Brett Valdez and Justin Blalock would hunt together.


(higher quality version)

While Kasey Studdard was inadvertently hunted by an amateur paparazzi with a drunken Vince Young:

Being involved in a highly-publicized sport, such as pro-football, these athletes will be scrutinized by the media and public.  Brett Romberg, for example, has been compared to the late Chris Farley (and in a non-flattering way).  Luckily for me, that message board compared another beefy bear, Orlando Pace (also with the Saint Louis Rams) to a babyface rapper/singer.  I then researched more about Orlando Pace which led me to this set of awesome photos, specifically the first one… (I wonder why?)  ^_^

[Related Posts – Brett Romberg]
[Related Posts – Kasey Studdard]
[Related Posts – Orlando Pace]

Unknown Husky College Football Player (Brett Romberg)

[EDIT: Thanks to xibearix, this husky fella is Brett Romberg.]

I scanned this from a magazine back in 2004.  I was actually at a dentist’s office, reading through a Sports Illustratred magazine, when I stumbled upon what was originally a college football group photo.  So with my nimble, David Blaine-like skills, I quickly ripped the page then stored it in my backpack.  Unfortunately, I did not care at the time who it was; I just wanted to “collect” that spectacular photo.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has done something like this…  😛

Anyway, if there’s anybody out there who knows who this beefy hunk is, any info will be greatly appreciated.  My guess is he is with the Texas Longhorns based on the color of the football jersey.  But, then again, my memory seems to be telling me that this group photo was about college football players who were also playing soccer.  Oh well, whether we find out his identity or not, you have to admit that he is one mighty fine husky specimen.

[Related Posts – Brett Romberg]

Leon White: aka Big Van Vader

I still can’t believe that I missed out in the mid-80’s pre-Vader action of Leon White, aka Bull Power.  The very first time I stumbled upon him was when he was wrestling in Japan and he was mostly wearing a mask.  I still remember watching this Japanese channel in Hawaii and I barely understood what was being said.  But all I cared about was seeing this massive behemoth wrestle in all his beefy glory.  [Just for the Hawaiians out there: “Oceanic Cable, we are, Oceanic Cable…”]  ^_^

Here’s a two-parter of Leon White against the equally woofy daddy cowboy bear, Stan Hansen (check out SDW Media’s Stan Hansen’s DVD, which is part of the awesome “Southern Legends” Collection)…

And I just discovered that I forgot about the scan I did of Vader from the back cover of my WCW magazine.  Thank goodness for my slow-@$$ and oftentimes inaccurate Windows Vista search bar…

And keeping with the theme of our big man Vader flexing his bulky guns, here’s an old collage I made of this beefy monster…

[Related Posts – Big Van Vader]
[Related Posts – Stan Hansen]

Give A Bear Admirer A Wrestling Magazine, And He’ll Find Porn

Many years ago, I wrote a coming-of-age short story for my Freshman year Creative Writing class.  I thought that it was the bestest story I had ever written.  Like Ralphie from A Christmas Carol, I was gleaming with joy knowing that my teacher would be wowed by such a heartwarming tale of a teenager coming to grips with his sexuality.

Unfortunately, my ego was crushed when I got a D- for my work.  In short, she was not clear on what a “bear” was which left her completely confused with the whole story.  To this day, I still remember those bleeding red marks on the bottom of my final page: “Is this a gay story?”

Anyway, with that brief background, the title of this post is in honor of my failed short story.  It is also the very title that I used.

The moment I saw this magazine in a grocery store, I already knew that I was going to buy it.  But then, thoughts of guilt and shame washed over me.  What will the grocery lady at Daeai Holiday Mart think?  Oh.  My.  God.  She’ll know!  She’ll know that I’m only buying this because I am so attracted to Tommy “Tiny” Lister, Jr.!  I mean, just look at that massive and beefy chest.  Who wouldn’t go weak at such an image of bulky muscles?  I can already envision those pecs undulate, mesmerizing me into a euphoric orgasmic ecstasy.  Then look at how Mr. Lister’s pecs are about to connect with Hogan’s chest.  How can you not fall in lust with such perfect symmetry?…  Anyway, I then grabbed a bag of Doritos so that I did not look like a loser and went there just to buy this porno mag.

At the checkout line, my heart was pounding with fear.  I feared that the lady would touch the glossy magazine cover with her greasy fingers.  And what did you know?  She landed her right grubby paw on Mr. Lister’s perfect physique as she scanned the barcode.  I could then hear my libido: “Oh please don’t bend the magazine, oh please, please, pretty please, please!” Needless to say, she bent it.  I cried.

Pathetic.  I know.  😉

Ah yes.  Mr. Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart.  He’s one of my favorite classic bearish wrestlers of all-time.  He’s furry, muscular yet chubby, and has a beefy gut that he would proudly display on certain matches.

As for that specific magazine, look at those wide shoulders and stocky chest.  That goatee is also unbelievably sexy.  And with his mouth partly open, it’s just an invitation of all-night lovin’ and romance.  “Take no prisoners”?  Sir, I’d go M.I.A. anytime…

Oh my.  Junk Yard Dog.  He’s one of the few “good guys” that I fell in love with.  How could I not?  Look at that bearish physique and perfect beard of his.  I always went nuts every time I saw him with those chains wrapped around him.  There’s just something primal and beastly about such a minimal attire.

And as for the magazine itself: “JYD’s Ultimate Weapon.”  Hmm.  I’m pretty sure exactly what his ultimate weapon is…

And, finally, The Magnificent One Don Muraco-WWF Era.  I normally saw him shaven, displaying his smooth and bulky muscles.  This magazine, on the other hand, proudly displays a Don Muraco that I completely love and appreciate.  He is definitely “The Rock”…

Unknown Beefy MuscleChub Part 2

Here’s an old magazine scan of the unknown beefy musclechub actor/stuntman.  And why is it here?  I’m still begging for any assistance or clues in figuring out his name.  It’s driving me crazy as N’Sync used to say.  Dear Lord, I just referenced N’Sync.  It’s worse than I thought…

Anyway, here’s a fuzzy snapshot of that unknown woofster I had taken a long time ago with a video capture card called Snappy (which was connected to a serial COM port — try to find that on a modern PC — and powered by a 9V battery).  Ah, the things I went through to capture blurry bearish images…

[Related Posts]

Big Van Vader: Big Bear Is The Centerfold

I’m 35 years old, but in closeted gay years, you would have to divide that number by 2.  So, I’m technically 14 and a half years old.  Unlike most of our heterosexual brethren, who had pretty much lived “normal” lives, my adolescent growth had been “stunted,” so to speak.  99.99% of it is my fault as I’m cowardly about coming out of the closet.  In a way, I still am; but as the years punish pass me by, I’ve grown to accept my decision of being a, well, loser.  Lol.  Whatevs.  Talk to the hand.  😉

[EDIT: Lol.  Someone had pointed out my unfortunate math skills.  That would be 17 and a half years old.]

Anyway, with that emo moment out of the way, I just can’t believe that I have not posted about Leon Allen White — otherwise known as Big Van Vader, The Man They Call Vader, Vader, or just Amazingly Hot Bearish Wrestler of All-Time.

I remember always checking out the newsstands and bookstores to see the latest pro-wrestling magazines and hoping against hope that Vader would grace the covers.  Lo and behold, he had and here are two close-up scans of two magazines that I still have in unbelievably pristine condition…  Gee, I wonder why I own these two very specific magazines?

Here are other magazines Mr. Vader had shown up in.  I’m a visual person, and when certain texts are superimposed against such vivid images, I just go nuts — literally.  Check these out…


Can anyone STOP this INDESTRUCTIBLE MONSTER?


Vader CRUSHES Sting


IT’S CLOBBERING TIME
(Bonus: HE SHOOTS… HE SCORES)


MASTODON ON THE LOOSE!
CAN THE MAN THEY CALL VADER BE STOPPED?


Vader’s Vow Of Violence
“I’VE BEGUN MY SYSTEMATIC DESTRUCTION OF HULK HOGAN!” *

* I always admire massive mean men who use extensive vocabulary when making vows of violence.

[Related Posts]

Tech Sumo: Another Excuse To See Big Dudes Shirtless

Jeremy Jankowski, the manager from Accounts Receivable, preferred to use a laptop with wireless internet connection rather than the reliable wired PC.  Unfortunately, he can’t seem to connect to bearmythology, so he contacted the I.T. guys.

It was the 20th time he had called for I.T., so the 2 chubby handsome computer techs were (not surprisingly) very ticked off.  Jeremy just wanted to see these Chubarama models for the 20th time.  Jeremy remembered seeing sexy Kevin’s plumber’s crack as he reseated a printer cable that magically unplugged itself.  Also, he vividly remembered Adam’s belly sticking out while he rerouted some computer cables to meet OSHA standards.  Ah, yes, Jeremy knew how to work it…

Unfortunately, Kevin and Adam have had enough.  They’ve worked so hard to earn their MCSE and they couldn’t believe that they’re still stuck doing regular I.T. work.  So, both Kevin and Adam removed their shirts then duct taped each of Jeremy’s laptops on their sexy chubby bodies.  (That is so bearotic, Jeremy thought to himself.)

The rest of this tale can be seen here:

Seriously, this was an old scan I got from some old magazine I got when I wasn’t old.  How’s that for accurate reporting?  Anyway, I labeled the scan as “DejaCom-HiTechSumo” so I’m guessing it was related to Deja.com…  I then googled it and found out that Google has bought that company.  Awesome irony.