Give A Bear Admirer A Wrestling Magazine, And He’ll Find Porn

Many years ago, I wrote a coming-of-age short story for my Freshman year Creative Writing class.  I thought that it was the bestest story I had ever written.  Like Ralphie from A Christmas Carol, I was gleaming with joy knowing that my teacher would be wowed by such a heartwarming tale of a teenager coming to grips with his sexuality.

Unfortunately, my ego was crushed when I got a D- for my work.  In short, she was not clear on what a “bear” was which left her completely confused with the whole story.  To this day, I still remember those bleeding red marks on the bottom of my final page: “Is this a gay story?”

Anyway, with that brief background, the title of this post is in honor of my failed short story.  It is also the very title that I used.

The moment I saw this magazine in a grocery store, I already knew that I was going to buy it.  But then, thoughts of guilt and shame washed over me.  What will the grocery lady at Daeai Holiday Mart think?  Oh.  My.  God.  She’ll know!  She’ll know that I’m only buying this because I am so attracted to Tommy “Tiny” Lister, Jr.!  I mean, just look at that massive and beefy chest.  Who wouldn’t go weak at such an image of bulky muscles?  I can already envision those pecs undulate, mesmerizing me into a euphoric orgasmic ecstasy.  Then look at how Mr. Lister’s pecs are about to connect with Hogan’s chest.  How can you not fall in lust with such perfect symmetry?…  Anyway, I then grabbed a bag of Doritos so that I did not look like a loser and went there just to buy this porno mag.

At the checkout line, my heart was pounding with fear.  I feared that the lady would touch the glossy magazine cover with her greasy fingers.  And what did you know?  She landed her right grubby paw on Mr. Lister’s perfect physique as she scanned the barcode.  I could then hear my libido: “Oh please don’t bend the magazine, oh please, please, pretty please, please!” Needless to say, she bent it.  I cried.

Pathetic.  I know.  😉

Ah yes.  Mr. Jim “The Anvil” Neidhart.  He’s one of my favorite classic bearish wrestlers of all-time.  He’s furry, muscular yet chubby, and has a beefy gut that he would proudly display on certain matches.

As for that specific magazine, look at those wide shoulders and stocky chest.  That goatee is also unbelievably sexy.  And with his mouth partly open, it’s just an invitation of all-night lovin’ and romance.  “Take no prisoners”?  Sir, I’d go M.I.A. anytime…

Oh my.  Junk Yard Dog.  He’s one of the few “good guys” that I fell in love with.  How could I not?  Look at that bearish physique and perfect beard of his.  I always went nuts every time I saw him with those chains wrapped around him.  There’s just something primal and beastly about such a minimal attire.

And as for the magazine itself: “JYD’s Ultimate Weapon.”  Hmm.  I’m pretty sure exactly what his ultimate weapon is…

And, finally, The Magnificent One Don Muraco-WWF Era.  I normally saw him shaven, displaying his smooth and bulky muscles.  This magazine, on the other hand, proudly displays a Don Muraco that I completely love and appreciate.  He is definitely “The Rock”…

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