When Mark Addy and Nick Frost were pitted against each other, Nick Frost won as the woofiest English actor. That was a truly tough choice as they’re equally hot. However, Mark Addy had been more visible earlier to me which is probably the main reason I would have voted for Mark Addy. (It was at this point that my straight best friend had officially cemented my title of “Bear Hack,” lol.)
Anyway, for today’s Two Woofy Tuesday (Beary Yummy Seconds), here is one of the finest specimens of a chubby bear, Mark Addy…
You can check out the video and a collage from the following screenshots here.
The Full Monty was the very first film I caught a glimpse of Mark Addy and I was instantly a fan — even if he didn’t go shirtless and nude in the flick. He has this handsome cherubic face that just drives me insane…
Mark Addy has a YouTube channel and I thought that it was a fan made page; however, when I just recently visited it, it said that it’s owned by the Mark Addy… Anyway, definitely check it out and subscribe!
When I pitted John Goodman with Kevin James, I really thought that John Goodman was going to win the poll. To my surprise, Kevin James won the friendly popularity contest by a large margin. The poll also made me realize that my “bear stars” are aging and the bear/chub admirers out there are embracing the “latest and newest flavor.” I don’t mean that as a slam to anybody who had picked Kevin James (nor to the elder fans who just preferred Kevin over John), it’s just a personal generalization from the vibe I got from the poll.
Nevertheless, we all have unique tastes and I should just leave it at that…
Whenever I’m around big guys, I do my best to keep my hands to myself. But whenever an opportunity arises as to when I could “cop a feel,” believe me, my brain will start directing my body complex instructions as to how and when I could achieve “contact” without arousing any “gay alert” suspicions and/or any uncomfortable feelings.
Here’s one of the greatest thespians of all-time, Al Pacino, giving us some instructions on when and how to cop a feel on a big bear (specifically, on a big man who’s not even gay)…
COP-A-BEAR TIP #1: “The Accidental Lost Balance” When walking through a hallway (the narrower the better) and your big bear’s standing in the way, you can feign losing balance so that you will tip over and land your arm, shoulder, and/or bicep on his chubby belly. You can even then place your opposite hand on his belly so that you could push away yourself away from him.
BONUS: You can then apologize by placing your hand(s) on the big guy. Be careful with your libido’s desire to provide an additional rubdown as it’s definitely pretty gay-ish.
Check out Mr. Pacino’s awesome balancing act. Bravo, sir, bravo!
COP-A-BEAR TIP #2: “The Manly Shove” Thankfully, big guys are just that: big. They tend to block hallways and doorways. Because of that, it’s a perfect opportunity to cop a feel while not being gay about it.
Here’s how it works: When you see your big guy blocking a doorway, pat your pocket pants as though you’re looking for something. Here’s a bonus script:
YOU: What the hell. I freakin’ forgot my cell phone.
HIM: (just standing there, blocking the doorway, and looking HOT!)
YOU: (start to walk towards him and casually use the back of your hand to gently push him away — but not too gently, or he’ll think you’re gay)
Here’s Mr. Pacino for the visual aid…
COP-A-BEAR TIP #3: “The Don’t-Touch-Me Deception” Most men tend to not be touchy-feely. Typically, they will act as though they will make physical contact with you, but normally they won’t. And if they do achieve such physical contact, they would “override” the manly affection by transforming the touch/hold into a “patting motion.” (Note that when a man hugs another man, they would vigorously pat each other.)
So this tip comes in two variations:
PREREQUISITE: You need to be in an “emo” mood. For example: getting cheated on by an imaginary girlfriend (he doesn’t know she’s imaginary, of course).
(1) The big man “pats” you – Don’t act too excited and just enjoy the moment. Relish the fact that you can capture this wondrous event on your Twitter account later. Anyway, after “the pat,” you nonchalantly “push” him away on his belly. That act says, “Hey buddy, I appreciate ‘the pat,’ but it’s all good.”
(2) The big man acts as though he might “pat” you – This is trickier because your gay instincts would be wishing that he does pat you. But, as mentioned, men don’t like too much physical contact with other men. So, by “pushing” him away on his belly, you’re actually doing him a favor because he doesn’t have to “get gay” on you.
Here’s Mr. Pacino again with “The Don’t-Touch-Me Deception” play…
COP-A-BEAR TIP #4: “The Buddy Touch” This final tip is the easiest because it involves a big man in an emo-state. When a man is down, flustered, and/or confused, this is the perfect opportunity to cop a feel. However, the trick is to not get too excited or else your cover will be blown.
If it is so easy, why is this tip here? Well, it’s not all that simple. The thing is, you need to not make eye contact with the big guy while copping him a feel. Why? Adding eye contact screams “gay,” that’s why. It’s a win-win for both: the big guy gets comforted by a masculine touch while you get your jollies out of the situation.
Here’s Mr. Pacino showing how the deed is done. He’s not just not making eye contact, he’s also looking away from the big guy. It’s all about the hands.
Musclebear Heinz Ollesch won the poll when he was pitted against musclechub Phil Martin. I mentioned in the Woofy Winner Wednesday result that I was currently 0-for-3, so that meant that I would have voted for Mr. Phil Martin.
My body preference tend to lean towards the husky/chubbier types which was why I would have chosen Mr. Martin over the German Beast, Mr. Ollesch. However, Heinz is definitely a magnificent specimen and I’m not completely discounting him. I love Phil Martin a bit more because he is just so huggable! Also, I am completely attracted to his handsome face. Heinz has this brutish look while Phil has this approachable yet intimidating look that I just go nuts for. He also reminds me of this daddy bear actor, Bill Smitrovich:
My second poll was the popularity contest between pro-wrestlers, Shane Twins and Power Twins. The poll is still open and it’s currently at 149-18! I have to admit that I was a bit shocked to find that The Power Twins got such few votes. And to disclose who I would have voted for, it would have been The Power Twins, David and Larry Sontag. To me, they’re just far more bearish than the beefy and muscular Shane Twins. But, perhaps, one of the main reasons is because I had actually seen one of them before here in Las Vegas.
I have seen Larry before at a Walgreens pharmacy many years ago. He was picking up some medication (possibly pain pills) but I did not know who he was at the time. All I knew was that he was talking to the pharmacist and she was asking him about his profession. He then started talking about wrestling, his back pain, and how “it’s just a living.” I’ll never forget that. The second time I saw him was at a strip joint called Spearmint Rhino, also in Vegas. (Backstory: I had to hang out with the guys I work with so that it looked “normal” and that I was attracted to women.) Anyway, I wasn’t sure if it was David or Larry because it was too loud and I was mesmerized at him holding my drivers license. I dreaded being at that strip joint but I was glad for being treated by such a pleasant surprise. (Come to think of it, I spent about two hundred dollars for lap dances that I did not care for. Geez. All that work and lost money so that I appeared to be “just one of the guys. I should have just given the money to Mr. Sontag as even though I did not get a lap dance from him — which was for the better as he would have crushed my legs — being in the presence of such an intimidating bouncer was way too erotic for me.)
Anyways, I’m a ramblin’. But you may be wondering how I could differentiate the two. Basically, Larry has a deeper New Yorker voice while David has a lighter and pronounced Long Island accent. In Ocean’s Eleven David was the one with the longer spoken lines and you can hear his accent clearly when he spoke to George Clooney’s character.
Larry on the left, David on the right…
And, finally, here’s a 2-part pro-wrestling matchup between The Power Twins and Masked Confusion (originally known as WWF’s “The Killer Bees”)…
Two Woofy Tuesday is on a brief hiatus and in its place is Beary Yummy Seconds (I have a Filipino accent, you see). Also, this is a way for me to finally voice my own opinion on who I would have voted.
The very first poll was the popularity contest between shot putters, Manuel Martinez and Christian Cantwell. Unfortunately, I was still learning with running the polls so I prematurely ended the poll the very next day instead of next week. Nevertheless, I tracked the poll until the following week and Christian won all the way. As for who I would have voted, I would have picked Manuel Martinez, hands down. Christian definitely possesses that perfect bear physique, but Manuel has this beefy and stocky build that’s covered with magnificent fur that never fails to wow me. I definitely can’t wait to see him in his acting debut.
So on today’s Beary Yummy Seconds, we have Manuel Martinez for your visual delights…
Collage was made by the smartest & hottest bear porn star I’m blessed to know, Dirk.
On today’s Two Woofy Tuesday, we are pitting both bearish/chubby members of a satirical rock opera band, Tenacious D. And, like always, the simple, yet difficult, question is asked… Who is the woofiest member of Tenacious D: Jack Black or Kyle Gass?
Two Woofy Tuesday ends with this poll… That is, it will be back after 9 weeks. In its place will be Two Woofy Tuesday: Beary Yummy Seconds edition. Hopefully, my sad attempt at a Gummi Bears pun gives you a hint as who would be showing up on every Tuesday for the next 9 weeks…
On today’s Two Woofy Tuesday, we are pitting two hard rocking musicians who are balding, bearded, husky/chubby, and are oftentimes shirtless or even semi-nude. Hello, daddy! So, as always, the simple, yet difficult, question is asked… Who is the woofiest balding, bearded, husky/chubby, and oftentimes shirtless or semi-nude hard rocking musician: Damian Abraham of Fucked Upor Max Flövik of Lillasyster?
On today’s Two Woofy Tuesday, we are pitting two woofy bearish musicians. And as always, the simple, yet difficult, question is asked… Who is the woofiest drummer: Dave Buckner (ex-drummer of Papa Roach) or Ringo Garza Jr. (Los Lonely Boys)?
Though it’s the holiday season, the weekly Two Woofy Tuesday harshly continues. Today, we pit brother against brother. Blood against blood. Who is the woofiest gorgeous Grunberg: chubby Brad Grunberg or husky Greg Grunberg?
After posting some Sean photos from Britain’s Next Bear Model, I’ve decided to create me own (note me change in accent) Next Britain’s Bear Model of sorts. So, in today’s Two Woofy Tuesday, you guys have the non-enviable task of selecting the woofiest English actor: Mark Addy or Nick Frost.
Normally, on a sophomore effort such as a sequel or Season 2, the tone gets “darker” (for example: The Empire Strikes Back and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom). Well, such is the case for BearMythology Year 2. Lol. Let’s kick things off with today’s Two Woofy Tuesday theme of “Leading Chubby Bear In A Sitcom For 9 Seasons”: John Goodman from Roseanne or Kevin James from King Of Queens.
I will also be posting the winner next Wednesday instead of tomorrow.
Today’s Two Woofy Tuesday theme is “Strongest Men.” It completely pains me to pit two spectacularly handsome strongmen together, but I am a cruel and unjust blogger. So, today, I pose this most difficult question: “Do you pick the strongman musclechub, Phil Martin, or the strongman musclebear, Heinz Ollesch?”
Today’s Two Woofy Tuesday theme is “Pro Wrestling Twins”: On one corner, we have the musclebound Shane Twins (Mike & Todd Shane), while on the other corner, we have the husky Power Twins (David & Larry Sontag).
[FUN FACT: The Shane Twins were in a commercial for Sonny’s BBQ (pictured above) while The Power Twins played Andy Garcia’s bodyguards from the Ocean’s Eleven films…]
My obsessive voting habits for Dancing With The Stars have inspired me to do a “Woofy Challenge” of sorts. This is all in the name of good fun and a way for me to see who you guys and gals tend to find “more attractive” (i.e., “woofier”).
Today’s Two Woofy Tuesday’s theme is “Shirtless Bearish Shot Putters”… So who’s woofier? The furry and beefy Manuel Martinez or the bulky and massive Christian Cantwell?