When I pitted John Goodman with Kevin James, I really thought that John Goodman was going to win the poll. To my surprise, Kevin James won the friendly popularity contest by a large margin. The poll also made me realize that my “bear stars” are aging and the bear/chub admirers out there are embracing the “latest and newest flavor.” I don’t mean that as a slam to anybody who had picked Kevin James (nor to the elder fans who just preferred Kevin over John), it’s just a personal generalization from the vibe I got from the poll.
Nevertheless, we all have unique tastes and I should just leave it at that…
Whenever I’m around big guys, I do my best to keep my hands to myself. But whenever an opportunity arises as to when I could “cop a feel,” believe me, my brain will start directing my body complex instructions as to how and when I could achieve “contact” without arousing any “gay alert” suspicions and/or any uncomfortable feelings.
Here’s one of the greatest thespians of all-time, Al Pacino, giving us some instructions on when and how to cop a feel on a big bear (specifically, on a big man who’s not even gay)…
COP-A-BEAR TIP #1: “The Accidental Lost Balance”
When walking through a hallway (the narrower the better) and your big bear’s standing in the way, you can feign losing balance so that you will tip over and land your arm, shoulder, and/or bicep on his chubby belly. You can even then place your opposite hand on his belly so that you could push away yourself away from him.
BONUS: You can then apologize by placing your hand(s) on the big guy. Be careful with your libido’s desire to provide an additional rubdown as it’s definitely pretty gay-ish.
Check out Mr. Pacino’s awesome balancing act. Bravo, sir, bravo!
COP-A-BEAR TIP #2: “The Manly Shove”
Thankfully, big guys are just that: big. They tend to block hallways and doorways. Because of that, it’s a perfect opportunity to cop a feel while not being gay about it.
Here’s how it works: When you see your big guy blocking a doorway, pat your pocket pants as though you’re looking for something. Here’s a bonus script:
YOU: What the hell. I freakin’ forgot my cell phone.
HIM: (just standing there, blocking the doorway, and looking HOT!)
YOU: (start to walk towards him and casually use the back of your hand to gently push him away — but not too gently, or he’ll think you’re gay)
Here’s Mr. Pacino for the visual aid…
COP-A-BEAR TIP #3: “The Don’t-Touch-Me Deception”
Most men tend to not be touchy-feely. Typically, they will act as though they will make physical contact with you, but normally they won’t. And if they do achieve such physical contact, they would “override” the manly affection by transforming the touch/hold into a “patting motion.” (Note that when a man hugs another man, they would vigorously pat each other.)
So this tip comes in two variations:
PREREQUISITE: You need to be in an “emo” mood. For example: getting cheated on by an imaginary girlfriend (he doesn’t know she’s imaginary, of course).
(1) The big man “pats” you – Don’t act too excited and just enjoy the moment. Relish the fact that you can capture this wondrous event on your Twitter account later. Anyway, after “the pat,” you nonchalantly “push” him away on his belly. That act says, “Hey buddy, I appreciate ‘the pat,’ but it’s all good.”
(2) The big man acts as though he might “pat” you – This is trickier because your gay instincts would be wishing that he does pat you. But, as mentioned, men don’t like too much physical contact with other men. So, by “pushing” him away on his belly, you’re actually doing him a favor because he doesn’t have to “get gay” on you.
Here’s Mr. Pacino again with “The Don’t-Touch-Me Deception” play…
COP-A-BEAR TIP #4: “The Buddy Touch”
This final tip is the easiest because it involves a big man in an emo-state. When a man is down, flustered, and/or confused, this is the perfect opportunity to cop a feel. However, the trick is to not get too excited or else your cover will be blown.
If it is so easy, why is this tip here? Well, it’s not all that simple. The thing is, you need to not make eye contact with the big guy while copping him a feel. Why? Adding eye contact screams “gay,” that’s why. It’s a win-win for both: the big guy gets comforted by a masculine touch while you get your jollies out of the situation.
Here’s Mr. Pacino showing how the deed is done. He’s not just not making eye contact, he’s also looking away from the big guy. It’s all about the hands.
Remember boys, practice makes bear-fect. WHOO-HA!
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